Bitches Love Men
Elizabeth Whittlesey

March 11, 2014


1.
                                                       There are men who truly want to find a woman
they can spend time with.
                                                                                     Think about what things men collect
               or the things that fascinate them. 

                                             Guns, ammunition,
                                             sports cards, sci-fi magazines,
                                             pocket knives, little metal cars,
                                             power tools, and a “rechargeable” flashlight. 

                               He is only human and has his own problems. 

                                                       It’s all about his ego, 

which has no direction and no line of rotation. 

                                        A couple of times a week when he’s kind or generous,
                    let him know he’s top dog. Make him feel as though
                                        he’s the alpha-dog and the Grand Poo-Bah. 

                                                  He wears the pants, and is the man. 

 
2.

Most men
are used
to women
wanting to be
around them
all the time.

The bitch
remains the
person she is
throughout
her relationship
with a man.

She doesn’t
grab his ankles
and beg
for mercy.
She keeps
that edge. 

And, in
doing so,
she prevents
him from
wanting
to go.

 

ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #16: A BITCH GIVES A MAN PLENTY
OF SPACE SO HE DOESN’T FEAR BEING TRAPPED IN A CAGE.
THEN . . . HE SETS OUT TO TRAP HER IN HIS.

 
3.
                                                                                The tension
                                  that arises
                                                                                with a slightly
                                  bitchy woman
                                                                                gives a subtle
                                  feeling of danger
                                                                                to a man.
                                  He doesn’t feel
                                                                                this pressure
                                  from a bitchier
                                                                                woman,
                                  so he wants
                                                                                to be around her
                                  more, not less,
                                                                                and he respects her
                                  because
                                                                                she appears
                                  to have “a life.”

 
4.

The “Worthwhile” woman
flirts more subtly and uses body
language to convey her sensuality. 

 

The “Good Time Only Woman”
wears an outfit that is very short,
showing leg, cleavage, and back.
Her sexuality is overstated

 

A “Worthwhile” woman
keeps him interested
by giving him compliments
when he’s hoping to have sex,
so he feels he’s “in the game.” 

 

This woman will start out with a whine
and then will slowly pick up momentum,
building up to a nag.

 

This woman will nag for a shorter period
of time. It’s a more intense burst,
so she’ll get tired much more quickly.

 

It starts as soon as the sun comes up
over the horizon. His eyes begin to open
and he hears his first morning whine.
Or, he’s still asleep, and it wakes him like a rooster. 

 

This is the premeditated nagger
who will make one cutting remark.
It’s usually a well-placed shot
that delivers a devastating blow.

 

One minute everything is going along fine
and then, without any warning,
she jumps out of the bushes and whacks him.

 

 

ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #32: LET HIM THINK HE’S IN CONTROL.

 
5.

The dumb fox knows that the less she criticizes,
                                                                      the better, which is why she doesn’t nag.
                                                                                                                               Instead, she maneuvers.

When you appeal to his feeling of power,
                                                            you “charge up the batteries.”
                                                                                                Meanwhile, guess who is getting her way? 

Make friends with his ego. Pay a little “homage” to that ego.
                                                                                He should feel like Conan the Barbarian
                                                                                                                               a couple of times a week.

Ask him to open a jar that you can’t open
                                                                   (even if you can)
                                                                                            or unzip your dress (even if you can reach it.) 

OR, you can ask him to lift
                                            a small box for you.
                                                                           Just make him feel needed (i.e. powerful). 

Give him little assignments.
                                             Let him parallel park your car
                                                                                               or back it out of a tight spot. 

If there’s violence,
                         cover your eyes and let him tell you
                                                                                  when it’s over. 

If it’s cold outside,
                         crawl under his coat
                                                       and hang on to him for warmth.

 
6.

Don’t buy the one about him wanting a “damsel in distress,”
either. As one man said, “When you rescue a damsel in distress,
all you get stuck with is a distressed damsel.”
Am I going to have to carry around this bag of Jell-O forever? 

Again, a man wants a strong woman, not a helpless little kid.
Sexually, this will impact the float in his boat.
You shouldn’t show that you “need” him to help you with:

Common sense
Coping with every day life
Emotional stability
Reassurance of your self-worth
Self-esteem
Feeling complete as a person

You don’t have to always agree with everything he believes.
A man falls in love with a woman when he feels he has “met his match.”
Agree with everything. Explain nothing. Then do what is best for you.
It will make life a whole lot easier. 

 
7.

A woman shouldn’t let a guy know
she is centering her world around him.
The second he doesn’t know where his woman is
he’ll come looking for you.
He’s a hunter.
He’ll pursue you.
He has an inborn drive that’s very territorial.
But if you try too hard,
you won’t tap that hunger.
He’ll be satiated,
and that means
you won’t leave him wanting more.
As a person you feel you are complete
with him or without him.
This is the most important thing you can convey:
independence rather than dependence.
This is what gives him the perception
you can hold your own.
A man rarely realizes just how much the nice girl gives up.
Have an appetite for enjoying life.
Don’t stop eating, sleeping, or exercising.

 

 
8.

The nice girl is more likely to feel
obligated, pressured, or manipulated

to sleep with a man early on.
She sleeps with him and then believes 

she’ll hook him with great sex,
as though what she has to offer sexually 

is “golden.” The bitch understands
that the sex only becomes “golden” 

when he doesn’t get it right away.
The nice girl fails to take a “breather” 

because of her fantasy that he is
“the one” or her “soul mate.” 

But this fantasy is a liability
because it feeds a myopic view 

that he is the center of her life.
The nice girl wears her heart 

on her sleeve and pours out her guts.
And what does he hear?

Nothing at all. However, he does
see her neediness, which eventually 

turns him off. She has to remember
that if something happens 

that she doesn’t like,
he may not know any better.

 
9.

If given the option, most men would love to know how much it would take—

                                              the bottom-line dollar figure—

                                                                                                         to get a woman into bed. 

                                        Granted, there are the men who don’t want to invest
any effort. 

                                                                        To him, a towel is a towel. 

Flirt in moderation.
                                                       Be careful of sexual joking 

because it’s never really a joke. 

                                                                                               Don’t be a prude—
you can laugh at the jokes and be playful. 

                                               But don’t stay on the subject of sex for a long time, 

               or he’ll view it as a green light.

                                   Give kisses that are sexy and sensual.

                                                                                                         But do it while you’re out,
where it is unlikely to last too long. 

                                               Don’t get him worked up
                                                       when you’re alone together,
                                        while rolling around on the floor,
                                                       a bed, or the couch. 

                                                                           If you pull the sexual plug
                                                                           the last minute,
                            he’ll label you a tease. 

                            He no longer thinks you are playing fair,
                                   and his feelings will change
                                        from lust to resentment

                            Think about it. You can’t show a dog 

a T-bone steak for an hour
                                                       and then throw him a celery stick.

                                                                    For example, perhaps your top comes off,
                                                                           or there’s a little bit of grinding action
                                                                    while you’re kissing on the couch. 

                                                       A few minutes later, he’ll think you’re ready to roll. 

This is not the time to say, “No I’m just not ready.” 

                                   Telling him this is like taking candy away from a child 

                                                after you’ve already let him taste it.

 
10.

It feels warm and fuzzy just thinking about “expressing those feelings.” Whenever a woman is too emotional or sappy, it can be too much for a man. Men don’t respond to words. What they respond to is no contact. Don’t discuss deep issues in the beginning. Don’t use catch phrases from therapy like cathartic, processing, triggered, owning it, or inner child. Don’t make chicken soup and tell him you “wanna midwife each other’s soul.” Don’t email more than once in a row or send long e-mails about “feelings,” “issues” and what you “need” that you aren’t getting. The way to quell his fears is to say you aren’t interested in anything “too serious.” By not appearing to want commitment, you throw a monkey wrench in the lockdown program.

 

ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #98: BE AN INDEPENDENT
THINKER AT ALL TIMES, AND IGNORE ANYONE
WHO ATTEMPTS TO DEFINE YOU IN A LIMITING WAY.

 
11.

The bitch never
tries that hard

to make
an impression

Whether it’s your
taste in clothing,

or what you do
for a living—

don’t let anyone else
be at the controls.

Define yourself.
The longer you

practice being
an independent

thinker, the more
attractive you’ll be.

You’ll put
a “magic spell”

on a man.
A deadly “mojo.”

 
12.

The “new and improved bitch”
is truly strong, because she is nice.

She won’t be afraid to turn
thirty or forty years old.

At any age, this woman will feel like
a “prize.” She won’t be defined

by the media’s perception of aging;
she won’t be made to feel like

defective livestock
because she is no longer a teenager.

 

ATTRACTION PRINCIPLE #28: IF HE MAKES YOU FEEL INSECURE,
LET YOUR INSECURITY BE YOUR GUIDE.

 
13.

A lot of women feel pressured to live up to an ideal.

It is your attitude about yourself that a man will adopt.

It’s all about how you hold yourself.

Many women talk a lot out of nervousness—

which is something that men will often perceive as insecurity. 

Talking about feelings to a man will feel like work.

When he’s with a woman, he wants it to feel like fun.

His terms will most likely continue to drive a wedge between you—

and that’s not the outcome you want.

Whenever a woman requires too many things from a man, he’ll resent it. 

Remember, inside the bedroom as well as outside the bedroom,

men are used to women who are insecure, which is all the more reason 

to be different. You need to exude the attitude that you are confident 

and that you aren’t concerned with whether you measure up.

 
*This poem is composed entirely of verbatim sentences taken
from
 Why Men Love Bitches by Sherry Argov


Elizabeth Whittlesey’s poems have appeared or are forthcoming in Boston Review, Gulf Coast, jubilat, Two Serious Ladies, Western Humanities Review, POOL: A Journal of Poetry, JERRY, Explosion Proof, Phantom Limb, and Noncanon Press. Elizabeth grew up in Salt Lake City, Utah and lives in Manhattan.

What motivates her to create:
“My own ambition and interrogations of ambition. Sound, rhythm and wordplay. Love. Grief. Honesty. To make sense of. To be incensed (rare). The reportage instinct. Human ridiculousness (my own foremost). Inquiry into the cosmos and The Cosmic Joke.”